The skill is easy, the practice is hard - [How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie]

 

데일 카네기 인간관계론 | 데일 카네기 - 교보문고

Again, I bought it in paperback

Introduction

The Korean title of this book is "The Dale Carnegie Theory of Human Relations". The book was published in 1936, and even though it's nearly 100 years old, it's still an important book with lessons for many people. It's considered a bible for life, and it's even been argued that you won't have a deep relationship with someone who hasn't read it.
In fact, I've read it once before, but I never really managed to apply the book's lessons to my life. Maybe I just didn't find the time to apply what I learned due to my busy life, or if I'm being honest, I tried for the first few days, but I struggled and eventually gave up. Nevertheless, this time around, I challenged myself once again to actively apply Dale Carnegie's teachings to my life.
This time, I took a different approach: I decided to read no more than two chapters a day, and I was determined to put into practice what I read today. I also tried to remind myself of what I had learned by reading the table of contents each day. I didn't keep to the daily reading, but this way I slowly worked my way through the book, and I even made notes on the table of contents page to remind me of what I had read.

 

The table of contents has become tattered.

Over the years of reading this book, I've come to realize that the core of Dale Carnegie's theory of human relations can be summarized in three main points. Let's talk about those three points.

What you should never misunderstand

Before we wrap up, let's clear up some misconceptions about this book based on its title. It was published in South Korea as "Human Relationships", but its English title is "How to Win Friends and Influence People". As the title suggests, the book is less about how to be a good human being and more about skills to gain an edge and advantage in human relationships. Of course, the skills listed, if practiced perfectly, can help you form good relationships, but it's important to keep in mind that the main point of the book is not "What do good relationships look like?".

Main points

Don't forget the purpose of relationships

When we form relationships with people in society, there is always a purpose. In business relationships, the purpose is to close a deal, and in supervisory relationships, the purpose is to fulfill instructions. Even between parents and children, the goal is to make each other happy (which is also a purpose). If I had to define this book in one sentence, it would be that we should never forget that relational theory is the art of achieving purpose in relationships.
For example, Chapter 1 of Part 3, "You'll Never Win an Argument," emphasizes the fact that trying to convince someone with logic and facts doesn't work. As I thought about this topic, I recalled an experience I had within my own family. When I woke up in the morning and went to the kitchen table, my mother was preparing fruit for my father, but he was a diabetic and had to be careful considering the fact that eating a lot of fructose can cause his blood sugar to rise. I mentioned this fact and advised her that she should avoid such meals for his health. She was offended and said that she had been doing it for a long time and had never had any problems. As a result, the purpose of pointing out my father's eating habits in that moment took precedence over the purpose of considering his health, which created tension in the family.
My purpose in this situation was to help my father eat healthier, but by forgetting that and simply approaching it as a criticism of his current behavior, I didn't achieve my desired goal and instead created unnecessary conflict. The skills covered in this book provide ways to clarify and achieve purpose in situations like this.
For example:

• Trying to focus on the other person's faults when you need to persuade them (true purpose).
• I need to improve the other person (real purpose) and I want to point out their mistakes (false purpose).
• Trying to hide your own mistakes when you need to improve (real purpose).

The book goes into great detail about skills like praising or not criticizing the other person, but the key is always remembering your true purpose and how to achieve it. Remembering this is the key to utilizing interpersonal skills.

Present positive situations to others

A key assumption that Carnegie makes early in the book is the idea of "positive situations" that humans can relate to. For example, in Part 3, Chapter 7, "How to Elicit Cooperation," the emphasis is on making the other person feel as if they came up with your suggestion in the context of the proposal (whether in a contract, negotiation, work order, etc.). In other words, situations where people are acting on their own initiative rather than being told what to do are "positive situations" that humans share, and we need skills to create them. In the same part of the book, Chapter 6, "A Safety Net for Complaints," describes skills for getting the other person to talk more rather than you, noting that people feel "positive situations" when they talk more on their own initiative. Carnegie lists the following positive situations.

• Acting on my own judgment
• I'm talking about something I know well
• Situations in which I am speaking on my own initiative
• Situations where my value is recognized (status, reputation, etc.)
• Situations in which I stand up for what I believe in (noble motives)
• Situations in which I challenge something

Rather than memorizing each of the interpersonal skills in this book, it's more effective to ask yourself, "In what situations would I feel positive emotions?" This perspective will help you better understand and use the skills in this book.

Relationships require effort

Finally, it's important to note that managing relationships effectively requires a corresponding amount of effort. It takes effort to remember the other person's name, to remember and familiarize yourself with their interests, to give them a good laugh, and so on. It's only when you make this effort that you can effectively practice the interpersonal skills Carnegie outlined. Of course, there are some people who do this naturally without even thinking about it (and their efforts may have gone unnoticed by me). But if you're not one of those people, we can all improve our interpersonal skills by putting in enough effort.
It reminds me of the fact that just like handling company business in a marriage, it takes time, planning, and effort to get things done. Similarly, we need to remember that all relationships require a corresponding amount of effort, and none of them will work out automatically. In the end, we need to keep in mind that effort is key to successful interactions in our relationships. With this effort, we will be able to form and maintain better relationships, and put Carnegie's teachings to good use.

In the end, it's the heart that matters more than the skill

One of the things I've realized through conversations with people around me is that the mindset of the person practicing the skill is more important than understanding it. When we were talking about the "don't blame" skill, some people expressed the opinion that it's right to blame because they feel unimportant if they don't get blamed. This is similar to the view that some people believe that only by strictly teaching them from a young age will they listen.
In fact, while it can be effective to make someone realize their mistakes through blame, it can be difficult to truly improve a person through it - sometimes blame can be hurtful, making it harder to achieve positive change. Instead of blame, it's more effective to point out wrongdoing while guiding them to the right and maintaining a positive relationship. This approach can be time-consuming, but it emphasizes the importance of relationships and the effort they require.
Additionally, while the interpersonal skills outlined in the book are important, there is a mindset that is critical to not only understanding them, but also practicing them. For example, the concept of extreme candor is actually meant to help each other grow and improve, but there are some writers who simply want to be honest, while overlooking the mindset that's at the heart of it all. There are some writers who just say what's on their mind, and say it out loud. It makes me wonder if there's something wrong with their frontal lobes when they can't even say it or when they advertise this as extreme candor. The skills in the book are important, but it's the mindset and intention behind them that makes them effective. When using technology, always have the mindset of respecting others and maintaining a positive relationship with them, and you will have greater success.